Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?
by merlinreveal3
Summary: Post-reveal. Arthur wants Merlin to prove his loyalty, but will the Warlock surivive or will his death destroy the King's mind? NOT death fict (unless you decide to stop to the first chapter). Full warnings inside (READ). Now three chapters. VERY angsty. whump!Merlin. Happy ending! I do NOT own Merlin.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi dear readers! This is a two-chapter fict... veeeeery angsty! For my other fict you will need to wait a bit, but I will complete that, don't worry. This is an idea that just popped out in my head, and I wanted to write it down... hope you enjoy it!**

**READ****: If you like death ficts, you can stop at this chapter, if not, wait until my update! I do NOT like dead characters, so I will never finish a story with a main character dead!**

**Please reviewwwwwwwwwww!**

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King Arthur was sat at the Round Table in the Council Chambers with his wife and his most trusted Knights, Sirs Leon, Percival and Elyan. As usual Gwaine was late, probably again in the tavern. But he had a task, this time, an important one, damn it, why couldn't he just for once not be late?

They had a serious situation to discuss. He cringed. _Merlin_. His trusted, faithful, caring, gentle, _magic_ servant. Yes, because that idiot had magic. Arthur didn't care how and when the fool had begun to study those blasted Arts, but now that wasn't a problem anymore. Of course, there was still to talk about his punishment. Arthur had decided not to kill nor banish the sorcerer, but some decisions had to be made. _Magic_. For eight years. Under his nose. At the thought a familiar anger began to swell in his chest. His most trusted friend … a sorcerer. Another one like Morgana. He shook his head. All magic was evil. Why had that idiot... Not that it mattered now.

Suddenly the wooden doors of the Chambers were violently opened, and Gwaine strode in the room. He was angry. Very angry. And worried. Deadly worried.

"Sir Gwaine, I hardly believe that this-"

"SHUT UP!" shouted the Knight. "YOU! FILTHY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING… I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! BUT NO! HIS HIGHNESS HAD TO DO THINGS IN HIS ROYAL AND ARROGANT WAY, AS USUAL! YOU…."

"GWAINE!" exclaimed shocked Leon. "What the hell is the problem?"

"The problem?" hissed darkly the other. "Problem? You all are the problem. You and your arrogance and selfishness… it's your fault, you…"

"SIR GWAINE!" bellowed the King. "Sit down and tell us which the problem is."

"I don't have time to sit down! I have to go, there may still be time…"

"It's an order!" Arthur was furious now. "SIT. DOWN."

The Knight looked at his King, then fumingly moved a chair and heavily sat down, without showing neither the minimum of respect.

"Now that you have calmed down you can talk".

"Do you remember the little task you gave me? The one of this morning?" asked still enraged Gwaine.

"It was this morning. How much time did you need to sneak in, find a book and destroy it?"

"What book?" asked confused Elyan.

"Merlin's magic book" explained the King. "Surely he has one. So I asked Gwaine to go and destroy it. He doesn't need it anymore after all. Did you succeed?"

Gwaine laughed darkly. "I had to wait until Merlin went away. Yes, I found it. No, I didn't destroy it. I was a little more interested in the _other _one I found there…" he said, showing a thick red book.

"What is that?" asked curiously Percival.

"Merlin's diary." There were some gasps across the room, then Gwen stood up and pointed angrily her finger at the Knight. "Sir Gwaine! I hope you haven't read it! It was nothing of your business!"

"Oh, yes, I read it. Not everything, but enough to understand a lot of things more, things we would have understood even before" he addressed the King, "if you hadn't been so bigheaded and idiot…"

"Really?" asked skeptically Arthur, raising an eyebrow in a very convincing imitation of Gaius. "Like what?"

"Well" he began, flicking through the pages, "skipping all the times in which he saved your life, the one he treaded his life for yours at the Isle of the Blessed" "WHAT?!" "mumble mumble… yes, here is where you killed his love… here where you told him not to cry over his father's death…" "What the hell are you talking about?" asked a shocked King.

"We don't have times for that now, Princess…. Ah! Here it is. The last pages are really interesting. Listen carefully guys…" Then he began to read.

**_5_****_th_****_January_**

Everybody remembered. That ha been the day when everything had changed. Almost a month ago now.

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_it has finally happened! Arthur knows. They all know. Well, at least Gwen and the Knights. There was another one of those sorcerers bent on revenge. He entered the Throne Room and tried to kill Arthur. As usual. And as usual I had to save his royal backside. But this time there was no way to hide my magic. So he knows. HE knows. God, I still can't believe it. I'm so relieved. Finally I don't have to hide and lie anymore. He hasn't accepted my magic yet, I mean, he didn't say anything, just that he needed to think, to be alone for a while, and asked me not to talk to anyone about my magic and what had occurred. But I'm sure he will. He's the Once and Future King after all. I'm sure tomorrow he is going to ask me more about my powers, today I didn't have the chance to explain anything. But I'm sure he is curious. He must be. And also the others. They must have a huge amount of questions for me. Well, I'll deal with that tomorrow. Now I just want to go to sleep._**

**_Bye._**

**_P.S. ARTHUR KNOWS! Have I already said that? It's great!_**

"He seems rather happy that his secret is out… " commented Percival.

"Happy and hopeful that his point of view would have been heard… " added Gwaine, glaring accusingly at a frowning King. The idiot really wanted him to kill him? And why is he so convinced that Arthur would have accepted him? It was magic…

**_6_****_th_****_ January_**

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_Today didn't go exactly as I hoped. I mean, it would have been too good if they had accepted me easily, but I have lied to their faces for years. It's normal to be a little disappointed. So I expected the sad expressions on their faces, what I did not expected was the stony face of the King. His eyes didn't show any emotion, they seemed hollow. Then he spoke._**

**_"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?" His voice was cold, his tone serious._**

**_That really was a stupid question. "Of course"._**

**_"Then swear on your mother's life that you won't use magic for a week."_**

Merlin loved his mother, Leon thought, it had been the most reasonable choice.

**_For a moment I gaped, completely shocked. Did he have any idea of what was asking of me? Then I snorted, of course he didn't know. I didn't explain anything about my magic yesterday. I should have at least told him that I am a Warlock, not a Sorcerer, born with this power, that magic flows through my veins, that it is my life force. I can't survive without magic._**

_"_WHAT?!" shouted Arthur. "Why didn't he tell us this?"

**_"Sire, my magic is different from other-"_**

**_"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?" He interrupted me with the same cold voice._**

"Maybe because you didn't give him the chance?" asked sarcastically the reader. Then he continued.

**_ I looked at him. I couldn't see understanding in his eyes, nor will of understand further. The others' expressions showed quite the same, except for Gwaine, who was pointedly looking at the floor._**

Of course he was. He didn't agree with their plan, but the King had convinced the others. Magic was evil. Ha!

**_Of course I wanted to prove my loyalty, but that was not a reasonable way. Then I remembered that Arthur had just found out that his trusted servant had had magic for years and hadn't told him. Okay then, I thought, just one week, last time was worse._**

"Last time?" mused perplexed the Queen.

**_"I swear on my mother's life that I won't use magic for a week" I said._**

**_Arthur stood up from his Throne and exited the room with the others without glancing back, leaving me alone to think._**

**_So well, now I have a week without magic. It shouldn't be so difficult. Last time I was just eight, I mean, it's not going to kill me at my age now. But in a week I will finally tell him everything. I will prove my loyalty, I will prove to him that he can trust me._**

"What happened when he was eight?" asked Elyan to anyone in particular, but everybody shook their heads. They had no idea. Gwaine kept reading.

**_12_****_th_****_ January_**

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_Tomorrow is the day. I'm gonna tell them all the story. It may take a while, but I'm sure they will be interested. I'm not doing too bad. I have had headaches all the evenings, and it's three days that I have a slight fever, but Gaius hasn't noticed anything, and I keep taking the medicines, so I can keep working. Because I'm still Arthur's manservant. Incredible, right? Of course, he doesn't speak to me at the moment, actually it's like I'm not even in the room, but tomorrow things will go back to normal. I'm going to bed now, I feel really weak, thank Godness today is the last day. It has not been exactly an easy week, but I will feel better tomorrow._**

They all cringed ashamed, remembering what had really happened the day after. Headaches, fever… was it really because he couldn't use magic?

**_13_****_th_****_ January_**

**_"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?"_**

**_I couldn't believe my ears when Arthur said those words again. At the beginning I thought it was a joke, that he was trying to be funny._**

**_"Haven't you already asked me that, Sire?" I asked with a ironic smile._**

Trust Merlin to make jokes at times like that, thought amused the King. The truth was that that diary was disturbing him. Listening to what his servant had been thinking wasn't really pleasant. And why hadn't he told him that he wasn't fine? Then he remembered his attitude towards the sorcerer and groaned.

**_His composed answer froze my veins: "Not this week"._**

**_Surely he didn't mean what I was thinking, so I waited for something else, I didn't know what, but I was sure that it couldn't be like that. The silence lasted a couple of minutes, and the only thing I could hear were my furious heartbeats. He wasn't really implying…_**

**_"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?"_**

**_Maybe a week wasn't enough. He needed more. _****Another week****_, I thought with a shiver._**

**_I sighed. "I swear on my mother's life that I won't use magic for a week." What else could I say? He didn't want to listen to me, so for now I will do as he says. _**

**_Next week, though, he will hear me out. I'm sure I can cope well for another seven days; last time had been just ten, but I was a child. Now it should go better. We will see how it goes._**

**_19_****_th_****_ January_**

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_Things aren't going so well as I hoped. I keep taking potions and other medicines, but there is little they can do now. But I don't want to worry Gaius. He has no idea of what is going on and I can't tell him, but I'm sure that he suspects something is wrong._**

Gwen was surprised. She was sure that even if Merlin had been ordered not to tell anyone, Gaius would have been an exception. Apparently, instead, the Warlock had been faithful to his word.

**_I live with constant headaches and the itch is getting worse. It's a really strange sensation: I'm cold, freezing actually, but I can feel my veins burning like hell, and yet I can't do anything to stop the fire. The scratches are bleeding, but I can't manage to stop, even if it's pointless. _**

No, thought upset Arthur. He … he hadn't noticed anything. No. He looked around and saw other shocked expressions on his friends. Leon seemed about to get sick.

**_My fever is getting higher and higher, and I feel weaker than ever. I go to sleep early, trying to regain my strength, but my veins keep burning, and I can't rest more than an hour before waking up sweating and shivering. Then there is the blood: sometimes I have some fits of cough that I feel like I can't breath, and when I look in the neckerchief I see red stains._**

Gwen gasped, covering her mouth with her hand and fixing the red book with watery eyes. Gwaine should have felt sorry, but the truth was that they deserved it. He kept reading.

**_ It's like a heavy rock in my chest it presses me and suffocates me and I'm not sure how long I can go on like this what if someone notices what if one of the Knights or Gaius and I'm scared God if tomorrow things don't get better I will need to find a way to make my magic go out because it hurts and burns and._**

At the end everybody was horrified. They had no idea. Merlin was frantic. God… _what had they done?_

**_20_****_th_****_ January_**

**_"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?"_**

**_"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?"_**

**_"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?"_**

**_I wanted to scream when I heard that question again. I wanted to scream and punch that prat and cry and run away all at the same time. Instead I did nothing but dejectedly repeat my oath with a voice I hope didn't waver for the pain and the tiredness. _**

**_What is he trying to achieve? Haven't I already proved what I'm willing to do for him?_**

Arthur covered his eyes with his hand, ashamed by his actions that had seemed so right at the time. Gwaine saw and went on, with a sick satisfaction, knowing what was about to come.

**_However, now there is another week and I can't go on this way. I have to get my magic out. And if I can't use spells, then I have no other choice._**

**_I made the first cut an hour ago._**

"NO!" there was a collective scream in the room. Nonononononono. Not Merlin.

**_ I used Arthur's knife, _**

Arthur wanted to tell Gwaine to stop, because it was too much, just too much, he couldn't hear it. He couldn't bear to listen to the consequences of his mistakes. Because that was what it had been. A mistake. Maybe the biggest mistake of his entire life. But he couldn't bring himself to say anything, he needed to hear that, he needed to punish himself. He just wanted to go and find Merlin, and tell him that everything would have been alright, that he had been a prat and…

**_the one he gave me all those years ago to protect me. Well, it is doing its job. It didn't hurt so much, the fire under my skin was already clouding my mind, and for the others I didn't feel anything. I let them bleed, I let the magic pour out. Only after twenty minutes I bandaged them. Thank Godness it's winter and I wear long-sleeved shirts, if not Gaius would surely notice something. But this is just a temporary solution. I can't resist more. I am almost sure I can arrive to the end of the week, but then… I just hope next time Arthur will listen._**

Arthur shivered, knowing well that that wasn't going to happen.

**_26_****_th_****_ January_**

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_I'm dying. _**

Now Gwen was openly crying. No. Impossible. It was Merlin. It was always alright, wasn't he?

**_I don't know how much blood I have left in my body, but it shouldn't be much. I have needed at least six cuts a day to cope with the pain and the sickness, _**

All the people around the table didn't dare to lift their eyes from the floor. Why hadn't they listened? Why?!

**_but I can still feel that is not enough. It will never be enough. I also can not feel my magic anymore. Well, actually it still burns my blood, so much that I feel I will get mad, _**

Leon shivered.

**_but it's like if it's buried in the deepest corner of my stomach. And yet it must be the only thing keeping me alive: I can't sleep, I can't eat without throwing up, I can't either drink without feeling my lungs struggling to work properly. But I know that the same magic that is letting me survive these last few days will be also the one that will kill me at the end. It will be painful. I know it will be agony. _**

Arthur couldn't breath. He stood up abruptly and went to a nearby window. He tried to calm his stomach, but at the end he lost his battle and threw up his lunch. Stupid Merlin. Stupid stupid selfless Merlin. He should have knocked him out with a goblet, tied him at his Throne and forced him to listen.

**_But maybe there is still a chance. Maybe tomorrow Arthur will let me talk, and then this nightmare will be finally over._**

**_27_****_th_****_ January_**

**_There's nothing else to do._**

**_"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?"_**

**_I stared at my King, the one I have sworn to protect till my last breath. _**

Arthur remembered: "_I will be happy to be your servant till the day I die"._ What had he done? Which loyalty had he tested?

**_Almost a month and the tone of his voice when he asks me if I'm loyal to my destiny has not changed an inch. While I was there, looking tiredly at him, trying at the same time to resist the urge of grimacing in pain, I noticed that he almost seemed bored. As if I was too slow to understand what was going on. I studied his face for some minutes, and then _****finally****_ realization hit me like a kick in the guts. _**

They had all seen it, when Merlin had understood their plan. Their cruel, _so_ cruel, plan.

**_Oh._**

**_There was no need of explanations, no need of excuses. Arthur didn't need to hear my stories, he didn't need to hear about the magic. For that was the problem. Magic._**

**_During these last weeks he has treated me as if I was invisible. He didn't acknowledge my presence. He couldn't. Because I have magic. _**

Gwen sobbed.

**_I could have repeated my Oath again. He wasn't in a hurry, after all. I could have repeated my Oath for the next ten years. He was just waiting for me to realize. I was going to die anyway, a couple of days and my heart will stop after its last beats of torture. _**

No, no, surely no…

**_What is the difference? Maybe… I could spend those last days with him, at his side, as his friend, almost like before all this mess. Maybe he just needed loyalty. My last deed on this Earth. Do I want to prove my loyalty to my King? To Arthur?_**

**_"I swear on my mother's life that I won't use magic ever again… till the day I die"._**

**_If my death will prove to Arthur my loyalty and my friendship, then so be it. _**

NO!, thought the King. He had been a fool! What had he done?! _What had he done!?_

**_Arthur conceded a little smile, and I saw also the others breathed deeply, relieved, as if a great burden had just been taken off their shoulders. They didn't know. It was not their fault. _**

Stupid, selfless Merlin. Of course it was their fault, of course…

**_I smiled too. I will spend my last moments with my friends. With Arthur. And even if I couldn't ignore the painful thumps of my heart, that almost seemed to count the minutes I have left, I couldn't help but feel happier than I have ever been during the last weeks._**

It was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong…

Gwaine kept reading, apparently unaffected. The last note had been written just some hours before. It was almost the end.

**_29_****_th _****_January_**

**_I have been a fool. I thought that my Oath would have changed Arthur's behavior towards me, but I was wrong. _**

**_The morning after our last confrontation, I brought him breakfast, as usual, but this time I wanted to go back to our usual teasing. _**

**_"Let's have you, lazy daisy!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, trying to disguise the whimpering of pain. It didn't matter to me. The ache didn't matter. Nothing mattered in that moment but my friend…_**

**_"I don't remember to have given you the permission to use such disrespectful manners, _****servant****_"._**

Arthur wanted to scream and scream and scream. _What had he done?!_

**_I couldn't believe it. No. I suddenly felt tears rolling down my cheeks. No amount of pain, not even all I have felt in the last weeks, compared to what I felt at Arthur's words. It was not enough._**

He pulled brutally at his hair.

**_My death won't be enough._**

No. He was sobbing now. To hell the great King stuff. Merlin was his best friend and was thinking that Arthur despised him…nononono…

**_But I have no other way to prove my loyalty. I don't have time. I have tried until now to come up with something, but I have failed._**

**_I will die. For nothing. I will die with my best friends believing me to be a traitor._**

Gwen stood up hastily and ran frantically to the doors. She opened them and bellowed to a baffled guard to go and find Merlin, to find him immediately, and to bring him to the Council Chamber.

**_Even now, as my blood floods from the new deep cuts I have made (this ones not only to ease the raw invisible fire),_**

Arthur stifled a scream with his fist.

**_ I know that I have failed._**

**_And yet, I don't have regrets. I have done all I could. I could have made better decisions, maybe, but this, at the end, would have happened anyway._**

**_I wish I could have told Arthur of his great destiny, I wish I could have seen him become the greatest king the world has ever known. _**

The Once and Future King covered his ears, he didn't want to hear anymore. HE had failed. He had failed his fiend, the only one who had stood by him no matter what, the only one that, even after Arthur's painful betrayal, still regarded him as this great king. _What had he done?!_

**_But now it's too late. _**

**_Gaius is visiting some villages near Camelot, and won't come back for at least two days. And by then, it will be too late. But it's better this way. I do not want the person that has been like a father to me for all these years to have to watch me die. I won't remain in the castle. I will go to the forest, there I will die in peace. Nobody will hear me. Nobody will try vainly to help me. If somebody notices my absence, he will believe that I was attacked in the woods by some animal. _**

Even Percival was talking animatedly with the half-scared guards now. The one that went to look for Merlin was coming back, running.

**_But it's winter. Even now is snowing. Maybe they will find my body in weeks. Or maybe they won't find it at all. But it doesn't matter. I wish I could say goodbye to my friends, but probably it's better this way. I'm not sure I could stand Arthur's iced words for another minute without further shortening the little time I have left in this world. _**

Leon closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, hearing next to him the muffled sobs of his King.

**_I need to reach the forest, and I hope the strength I have left will be enough. _**

"The guards at the gates have seen Merlin heading to the woods on foot three hours ago, Sire" the guard announced.

**_Now I have to go. _**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Here is the second chapter. it's shorter than the first, but I have decided to divide it into two parts. So this is NOT the last one. Hope you like it! Please REVIEWWWWWWWWW!**

**Thanks for reviewing!**

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"MERLIN!"

Their voices echoed in the forest.

"MERLIN!"

They kept screaming their friend's name, desperately, _daring_ to hope that it was not too late.

They had been riding for almost an hour now, after exiting hastily the city gates. They had only one objective. Find Merlin. Find their friend _alive_. They had to. The four Knights and the King didn't want to give up. Merlin wouldn't have given up either. But it was snowing, a lot, and everything was so white. How can you find an injured man in such a bad weather?

Arthur kept shouting, his tone pleading. He didn't want to lose his best friend, the only true friend he had ever had. A friend who had showed nothing but loyalty towards him. A friend he had betrayed. Betrayed and tortured. Cruelly. Because of his pride and his prejudice.

Because it was his fault. It could read that in Gwaine's eyes. Gwaine. The only one who had tried to stop them, to change their mind. And they had been blind. He knew that the others too felt responsible for what had happened, but it was not their fault. It was his, only his. In the past 8 years Merlin had showed nothing but loyalty to him, loyalty and a reckless desire to protect Arthur, his friend. Not Arthur, his King. The only person to see him for who he was, never expecting him to behave in a kingly proper way. And he had just threw all of that away.

He needed to find him, no matter what, he needed to throw himself on his knees at his feet and beg for forgiveness. Not that he deserved it. Not after what he had done.

And while he was riding, frenetically, to find his _brother_, situations and words came back to his mind, and it only increased his scorching shame.

_I will be happy to be your servant till the day I die_

_I will always protect you, or die at your side_

_I will be there, where I always am, at your side, protecting you_

_You have no idea how many times I have saved your life_

What a … prat he had been.

He kept listing in his mind all those occurrences when something strange had happened to save the day. All those times the situation solved miraculously. What hadn't they noticed? What hadn't they questioned themselves? It was Merlin. Of course it was him. The only idiot of all Albion willing to use his magic to protect the King of a reign where magic was punishable by death.

The only idiot willing to give up his secret to protect said King.

King that after all betrayed him.

He had to find him, find him and make this right. He had to fix this. Please please please… Let it not be too late.

He kept shouting, calling his friend, his tears slowly freezing on his cheeks. He was calling him from the bottom of his soul now.

"MERLIN!"

Then he felt it. It was something similar to a tingle, it ran through his spine. But it was warm. Warm and incredible familiar. It felt like home. He had to reach the source of that feeling. Without thinking twice he spurred his horse towards the direction his heart was sure was the right one.

He heard the others call him, but now he couldn't care less. He kept riding fast, until he arrived to a small clearing. He dismounted and stood there in the deep snow, desperately looking around. It was too white. Where…

Then he saw it. No, he _felt_ it. The source. He hurried to the other side of the open space, on the ground he could distinguish a form, covered by the snow and still…

"NO!" he immediately kneeled and scrambled to remove the cold substance.

Blue shirt. Red neckerchief.

No.

"Merlin! Merlin! Wake up!" he shook the boy frantically. He was _so_ thin. His skin was so cold and pale. Almost as white as the snow.

"No Merlin, I refuse to believe it! Did you hear me, you useless servant? I won't let you…" he took off his cloak and wrapped the other boy in it. He held him tightly to his own body, trying to warm him up. But they were in the middle of a _bloody_ forest. In the middle of a _bloody_ snowstorm.

He put his fingers on his neck, dreading to feel nothing… there it was, a faint beat, but a beat nonetheless. He took a deep breath. He was still alive. God, he was still alive. But ha had a fever and he had trouble breathing. His forehead was burning.

Burn.

_… my veins burning like hell…_

"Merlin! Listen to me!" he shouted in the warlock's ear, not even noticing that the Knights had found them and were hurrying towards them. "Use your magic, Merlin! I'm sorry for what I have done! I'm sorry! Please, don't die! Use your magic! I don't care! You made your Oath to me, and I can decide what to do about that. Forget it! I swear nothing will happen to your mother! You have my word! Please…"

He was begging now, not caring to hide his tears, everything for his friend to open his eyes and live again. He didn't care that he was a _Pendragon_ _begging_ a _sorcerer_ to do _magic_. He vaguely noticed that also the others had taken off their cloaks and wrapped them around the skinny boy.

"Please, Merlin, please… I want to see your magic. Everything, Merlin, just… don't die…"

_Don't die_…

Suddenly his friend's eyes opened, _molten gold_, and he felt a shocking wave of warm invading him. The white bright light was everywhere. It was engulfing everything around him. And he felt it in his flesh, in his bones, in his own soul. And the King couldn't help but laugh, because it was so… Merlin: warm, gentle, protective, pure magic… And it felt so safe, the same sensation he had always felt all those years but never quite understood… While he was drowning in that amazing sheer power, he just tighten his arms around his friend, sobbing and laughing at the same time. It was perfect, like… _two sides of the same coin_, and he had no idea where that thought came from, but he didn't care, because it fit. Perfectly. Like it was destiny.

As abruptly as it had surged out, the light faded and those eyes went back to their usual blue, just before fluttering shut again. Arthur panicked. Then he noticed that the boy seemed healthier than before, his skin pinker, his cheeks flushed and his breathing deeper. Arthur closed his eyes and thanked all the known and unknown Gods out there for giving him a second chance and he swore that this time he wouldn't waste it.

"He's better, but I think that he will still need Gaius's assistance. If we are lucky the guard I sent has done his job and brought him ba-" Then he noticed that the Knights weren't listening to him, but were gaping open-mouthed at something. He frowned and raised his eyes from his friend's body and…

Oh.

Green. Green, and yellow, pink, blue, red and _green_. Not a single spot of white. The snow had stopped and that on the ground had disappeared. But it was not just that. It was like if the spring had decided to concentrate all in that clearing. The _life_ had entered the clearing. It was not January anymore. The nature was flourishing. It was an idyllic vision: flowers were everywhere, all the colors of the rainbow, and they seemed to grow under their eyes; birds were chirping in the trees and flocks of butterflies were flying in the clear air. The sky was blue, not a cloud, and the sun was shining and spreading warm all around. It was a dream-like scenery.

He looked again at the Warlock in his arms, who without a single word had unleashed so much raw power to govern the seasons and command the life and the Earth itself. He chuckled cheerfully, still inebriated by the magic of the sorcerer, and stood up, holding his servant bridal style walking to his horse. He put him on the saddle and then mounted behind him. He laid the other's back on his chest and sprinted his horse towards Camelot, followed by the other Knights, who seemed still rather at loss of words.

He tightened his hold on his _brother _and whispered in his ear.

"I will never let you go".


	3. Chapter 3

**Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Sorry sorry sorry if I'm late with the update, but I had a lot to do. Next month will be full of exams. heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp! However, here is the last chapter. let me know what you think, suggestions, and everything else. I hope you have enjoyed the story, and I hope you will read other stories of mine when I write them. For now, I will write the epilogue to my other story "Pretending" and I will post it asap. please, REVIEWWWWWWWW!**

**Thanks for reviewing and for your support during the development of this story! See you soon!**

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Arthur was sitting on a chair at one side of the cot. The cot where his best friend had been laying, unconscious, for the last four days. During this time he had never left his friend's side, barely eating or sleeping. He was afraid of closing his eyes. He was afraid that when he woke up his friend would be gone.

Looking now at the Warlock's face, he could only think about what he had almost lost. At what he had almost destroyed. Now his body was recovering, but his mind? Could he forgive Arthur for what his supposed friend had made him go through? Arthur hoped so. But he knew that he would never forgive himself.

In his hand he held Merlin's red diary. They had all read it, they had all read about their amazing friend and his absolute loyalty to his King. If they had listened, if _he _had listened, this would not have happened. Because reading about the magic, the enchantments, the Dragons, Morgana, the monsters, the dangers, _Merlin_… there was no way he would have condemned his servant. But him being him, it took Death knocking at his door to open his eyes and confront the truth. He looked at the book. During the reading there had been anger, sadness, joy, cheerfulness, and _shame_. From his part mostly. All the times he had accused the other to be useless, to be a coward… he was the bravest of them all. And he hadn't known.

That was why he was angry now. At first it had been the magic, now it was the lies. The lies that forced the person he loved like a brother to suffer alone, to hide his pain from the world…

And he didn't know if he was angrier with Merlin or with himself.

Because _he _had pushed his friend away, day by day, year by year. Their friendship strengthened while Merlin's soul grew more hollow. He was forced to smile and to act as if nothing was wrong when actually he was slowly dying inside.

He had read of Will, the courageous peasant who had died to protect a man that his friend was sure would become a great King, and had confessed to sorcery in order to protect his friend one last time. He read of the Questing Beast and Nimueh, of the price his friend was ready to pay to save a prat of a Prince. He read of Mordred, the young Druid who was destined to kill him. He read of Morgana, her treachery, and cringed at the thought of how long she had been already gone before her evil was showed for the world to see. He read of the Dragon, _Kilgharrah_, his release and his banishment by Merlin's voice. He read of Lancelot, the most honorable Knight, whose soul and body had been profaned by Morgana to destroy Gwen. He read of Dragoon the Great, his appearances when Merlin needed to use his magic freely, he read of the enchanted pendant that ended his father's life, and the grief his friend felt at Uther's death, at the fading of the last possibility for Arthur to accept magic. He read of Freya, the cursed Druid girl his friend had loved and lost, lost by the sword of a man who dared to call himself friend. He read of Balinor, the Last Dragonlord, Merlin's father, of his sacrifice, and remembered his insensitive words "_no man is worth your tears"_. He read of his sword, Excalibur, how it was burnished in Dragon's breath, the most powerful weapon in the world, created for his hand only. He read of Morgause, and the truth that his mother's spirit had told, he read of Merlin's decision to save a King he hated to save Arthur from himself. He read of Valiant, Mary Collins, Cornelius Sigan, Sophia, the Afanc, the Griffin, Edwin, the Troll and many many more, the other hundred of times Merlin had saved him or Camelot.

He read of Emrys, the most powerful warlock to ever walk the Earth, who chose to humble himself to the position of a servant, in order to better protect his Once and Future King. He read of the Druids, who revered him as their King, and the Catha, the most powerful order of magic-users, whose leader had sworn allegiance to him. He read of the prophecy of the Golden Age of Albion, of his destiny as High King of _all_ Albion, and he shuddered at the thought and at the possibility for something like that to really happen.

And he read of Merlin, unbelievably humble, unbelievably loyal, simply Merlin. His love for Camelot, for Gaius, Hunith, Gwen, Leon, Gwaine, Elyan, Percival… Arthur. Particularly Arthur. His King, his friend, his brother, the _other side of the coin_. Whom he protected not for a prophecy thousands of years old, but because he was Arthur, the _man_ he believed in. The man he had helped to create, because, and Arthur knew this from the bottom of his heart, he wouldn't be how he was now if he hadn't stumbled in that idiot all those years ago.

He felt humbled by the great power his friend possessed, a power that would have corrupted any other man but Merlin, who was the epitome of all that was good and _pure_ in the world. A power that his friend had put at the service of a King who despised his kind.

But once he finished to read that diary, a conviction had settled in his heart, a confidence he had already accepted when he was in the forest holding his barely alive servant and infused in the golden light. Magic was not evil. His father was wrong.

By the end of the reading he had decided that he had to amend his father's mistakes, and make it right again. It was the least he could do. Merlin, more than anybody else in the world, deserved to live and to be free.

He looked at his friend's arms, at the slight scars that were still visible on the pale skin. He could as well had inflicted them himself. Even if it wasn't his the hand that had held the knife, he could clearly feel the blood on his hands.

He thought of when they had come back from the forest, riding through Camelot as if the dogs of hell were at their tail with Merlin on the horse with him. He remembered the time that took for arrive in the centre of the courtyard, less than thirty minutes, but as long as a lifetime. He remembered Guinevere, anxiously pacing on the steps of the castle waiting for their return, and her expression, the tears glistening on her cheeks but a glint of hope in her eyes. And he remembered their rush for the infirmary, the strange scene the inhabitants of the castle must have witnessed: four Knights, the Queen and the King, who held in his arms his apparently dying servant, all running towards the physician's chambers. And then Gaius…

_They burst into the infirmary and almost collided with a very confused Gaius. He had been called back by a soldier, who, after telling him that the King needed his presence in Camelot _in that exact moment_, had put him on his worse with him and rode hastily towards the city. No time for questions nor for collecting his belongings. No explanations. The soldier had helped him to dismount and escorted him to his quarters, dropping him there and ordering to wait for the King._

_Gaius was about to ask Arthur what the problem was when he saw his unconscious ward held like a doll in the King's arms. He didn't lose time to question what happened, but immediately entered in physician's mode and examined the boy. It lasted forever. The other people in the room were holding their breath waiting for Gaius's verdict. _

_The most horrible moment had been when Gaius had cut open Merlin's shirt, just to reveal red, flamed skin, bleeding scratches all over his chest, the nails' shape clearly visible. And then the arms._

_God, his arms._

_They were covered in cuts, all different lengths, some were scabbed over, others just red angry lines, and others _fresh_, evidence that they had been inflicted that day, one, deep and _very _near to the left wrist, still bleeding… there wasn't a single patch of skin left untouched._

_Arthur hobbled to a corner and threw up again. The others seemed about to get sick too, but they managed to contain themselves. Also because they weren't as responsible as Arthur was. _What had he done!?_ He could feel each one of those wounds on his heart, heavy and bleeding at the knowledge that his best friend had to turn to self harm in order to survive. _

_Gaius had been silent all the time. He administered some potions to his ward and then sat on a bench next the cot and asked calmly:_

_"What happened?". He wanted answers. He wasn't a fool. Some of the cuts were clearly older than a week, but like everybody else neither him had noticed._

_The Knights and the Queen looked at Arthur. He knew that he was the one who had to explain. His fault. His responsibility. So, in a tiny and hesitant voice, he told the events of the last month, from the reveal to their plan to Merlin's diary to their search. Gaius kept looking at the sleeping boy, apparently in control, but there was something in his eyes that spoke of fury and anger. When the King finished, there was silence. For more than three minutes nobody spoke a word._

_Then Gaius said, still avoiding the others' eyes: "You know, even if Ealdor is in Cenred's Kingdom, Uther's hatred for magic has spread beyond the borders. Even there magic is distrusted and feared, instinctually rejected. So imagine, a boy born of magic growing up in such an atmosphere of closure and hate…" He shook his head, his audience captured by his tale. "When he was born, with his eyes glowing gold," everybody gasped, "his mother knew that she had to protect her son, for the world they lived in would not have mercy of a baby. So she taught him to fear, to keep the secret, to avoid the concept of trust, because, you see, in Merlin's world, trust could kill." Gwen felt her heart clench as she imagined his friend's life. "So Merlin grew up without trusting, without friends and with people scorning him. Nobody knew who his father was, and being a bastard son was already hard, but a lot of people also could… _feel_ that something wasn't normal with him. They didn't know it was magic, but there was something about him…" Arthur realized that that had been his exact thought when he met Merlin. "So they isolated him. They called him freak, demon's child… monster was a favorite of theirs." The Knights gripped the hilts of their sword instinctively, in a wave of protectiveness for their friend. "Merlin was a child, and a child's mind is very fragile. Hearing others calling him monster made him believe that that was what he really was, and neither his mother's soothing convinced him otherwise. So when he was eight he decided to stop using magic. Because magic made him a monster and he didn't want to be a monster." Gaius's voice was dispassionate, as if he was telling a fairy tale. The others cringed at the thought of baby Merlin convinced to be evil. It was absolutely wrong. "He managed for ten days, before his mother guessed what was wrong. During that time, Merlin had lost his appetite, couldn't sleep at night and kept scratching his skin, because, as he said to his mother, his blood hitched. Hunith persuaded him to tell her the truth, desperate that her son would die, and, once hearing of Merlin's decision, she sneaked off in the middle of the night and led him far from the village. Once there, she asked him to let go of his magic. I suppose there is no need to describe to you what happened, right?" The others, still shocked, shook their heads slowly, even Gwen, whom Arthur had informed about the events in the forest. _

_Gaius kept explaining, and his next words broke their hearts: "That doubt has accompanied Merlin throughout all his life, and he never once has managed to shrug it off. Even in Camelot, barely some days after his arrival here, he asked me if he was a monster. And despite my words of reassurance, I could unmistakably see how it was not enough to comfort him. All the time he had been afraid of what his friends might think of him once the truth was out, and _that_ was one of the reasons he never told any of you. It's not about trust anymore, he just… didn't want to lose you."_

_And they understood what the physician was implying. Their rejection had just strengthened Merlin's conviction that he was unworthy of their friendship. They felt ashamed, none more than Arthur._

_Then the king took a chair, put it next to his brother and sat there, looking at the other's face. He didn't address the Knights nor his wife, and at the end they left him alone with the embodiment of his mistake there in front of him and the cursed red diary on his lap._

Actually he had left the room once, Guinevere had needed him for that, but then he had gone back to his friend's side, hoping for him to wake up. In the meanwhile he kept flicking through the book, reading again and again Merlin's memories, and after four days he almost knew everything by heart.

It was in the afternoon of the fourth day that the Warlock opened his eyes.

* * *

His sight was blurred, but he could clearly see the ceiling above him, a ceiling that look quite similarly to Gaius's chambers'. He blinked. But then he reminded himself that it wasn't possible. He was dead. He remembered exiting the city, stepping in the woods through the snowstorm and then falling on the ground, when his strength had abandoned him… then closing his eyes to cover from the pain and…

He internally frowned… voices… no, _a _voice. A very familiar warm voice. It had been only a whisper, his mind too blinded by the burning pain to distinguish the exact words. But he was so cold. The voice was warm instead. He wanted to reach it, to hold on it to resurface. And then…

_Please, Merlin…_

_… don't die._

The kind voice had begged him not to die. And it was so sad and heartbreaking, and for some reason he had thought that he didn't want the owner of the voice to suffer, that he felt compelled to oblige, he just didn't want to disappoint the voice. Something inside of him snapped, and he felt a bright light invade him, easing the pain inside his body. He had felt the ice that surrounded him melt. Before drifting into oblivion he had felt two strong arms around his body and again the same voice…

… _I will never let you go_.

And that voice…

Arthur.

He widened his eyes. All the pieces clicked in his mind. Oh no… he had used magic. Nononono. He had made a Oath on his mother's life! God…

He tried to stand up. He had to find the King, because he had used magic and _he_ had been there, and Merlin needed to apologize…

A strong hand kept him from lifting from the cot: "Lay down, you idiot!"

He turned his head and saw the blue eyes of the King. He seemed paler than usual though, and he had dark circles under his puffy eyes. He frowned, no way the King of Camelot had cried, right?

Then he managed to focus on the problem, fighting the slight fuzziness of his thoughts. Arthur.

He quickly regained his wits and his voice and started pleading, his panicky watery eyes buried in the King's: "I'm sorry Arthur, I didn't mean, I swear, I didn't want to use magic, please, give me another chance, I swear I won't do that again, just please, please, ple-"

He was cut off by two strong arms that clutched him to a tough chest; he felt his cheek pressed on the King's neck, and a tender voice in his ear that shushed him and soothed him, talking nonsense. For a moment he remained rigid, afraid of the proximity with his friend, but then, feeling those arms tightening around him and a hand stroking his hair, he simply broke down.

He didn't know how long he cried, but the tears kept spilling and spilling, those arms and that voice the only things that kept him grounded. He could feel the hold trembling sometimes, but regardless that, he never once let him go.

_I will never let you go._

In the end his eyes dried and he just kept sobbing with his face buried in the King's shirt. When he managed to calm down, he disentangled himself from his friend, wiped his eyes with his sleeve and sniffed a bit, all the while avoiding the King's gaze.

"Merlin".

He closed his eyes, trembling like a leaf.

"Please, Merlin, look at me."

He hadn't ordered him to, and his voice was hesitant; he was not used to that tone of voice from Arthur, almost… vulnerable. He breathed deeply, embracing himself for what was to come and raised his eyes to meet the other's. Then he blinked. There wasn't anger there, nor fear or blame. Just sadness and, was that self-loathing?

"Arthur…"

"No" interrupted the other, "let me talk, ok?" Merlin nodded cautious and puzzled. Arthur hesitated for a moment and then began talking hastily, so much that Merlin had to concentrate a lot to keep up with what he was saying: "I'm sorry. I know it's not enough, but I wanted to say it. I'm sorry and I hope that you can forgive me. I was wrong, I let my fears and my prejudices blind me and abandon you. I know that you are not evil, you are the best person I know and I thank my good star everyday for having you as part of my life. I'm sorry for what you had to go through because of my prattishness, but I promise, no, I swear, that I will try to do better in the future, if you will let me…" He paused for a moment to gather his breath, but when was about to speak again the other stopped him gently putting his hand on his forearm.

Merlin tried to understand what was happening. Why the hell was he asking for forgiveness? He was the one who lied and deceived and betrayed… Arthur had nothing to be sorry for. And what changed his behavior so much? How long had he been unconscious?

Then the Warlock's eyes fell on the book, the red diary. _His_diary. Arthur followed Merlin's gaze and explained awkwardly: "Yes, we… ehm… we… read it, I mean, that's how we knew where to find you and then… well… I was getting bored so… yes… I, mmh… read it… a… couple of times…"

"Oh."

"Yes."

"A… couple of times?"

"…"

"Arthur?"

"… Maybe more." He paused. "It's just that… I couldn't understand, Gaius explained a bit, but I wanted to know why you had done what you had done. I mean, the first time we met I was obviously a bully and you didn't like me, but you saved me anyway. Then, when we could almost be called friends I killed the love of your life, that's that kind of thing that destroys a friendship, you know, and yet you were always there. And then your father, and I didn't know who he was I'm sorry, I told you those cruel words, but you kept protecting me, and I kept calling you useless and hurting you, for all the times somebody you loved died for me, or you got hurt for me, or you had to stand my spiteful words towards your kind, or… heck, for all those times I threw goblets at you, and I couldn't understand why, because I don't deserve it… Why?" he eventually asked tiredly. "Why do you keep helping me and caring for me? Is it because of that stupid prophecy or…"

"ARTHUR!" Merlin whined loudly. "Is it really what you think of me? That I would let my life be commanded by a stupid prophecy? I care about you, Arthur. You are a great man, you are the best King Camelot will ever had, we are lucky to have you, without you Camelot is nothing. I help you because you are my friend, the best friend I could have had all these years. And it was not your fault, nothing of it…"

"Even now…" he whispered.

"What?" asked the sorcerer.

He spoke louder: "Even now do you consider me your best friend? After what I have forced you to go through for my stupidity?"

"Arthur…"

"NO!" he shouted. "You almost died out there! We almost didn't find you in time! You were freezing, Merlin, I thought I had lost you, you were pale and bleeding, and you didn't wake up… I have never felt such a fear in my life…" he buried his face in his hands, deeply shaken.

Merlin was confused: "But… I have magic-"

Arthur moved his hands away and rolled his eyes: "Yes Merlin, I think we already established that."

"Then, what…"

"I don't care!" exclaimed the King. "I don't care that you have magic. It doesn't make you evil, now I know it. It doesn't change who you are…"

"And who am I?" asked shyly the Warlock.

Arthur smiled: "You are my bumbling manservant, the worst of the five Kingdoms." "Hey!" "You are an amazing loyal friend who would do anything for those he loves. You are a great protector of your friends and your home. You are my most trusted advisor, and I couldn't run this Kingdom without you…." He paused for a moment, then looking the other fixedly on his eyes he added: "You are my brother, and our bond is stronger than blood and will last for longer than our lives will…"

Merlin felt like cried again. His brother. Arthur considered him as his brother. He couldn't find the words, so he just enveloped the King in a crushing hug, trying to convey his gratitude and his returning feelings with his gesture. Arthur understood and hugged him back. Then he whispered in his hair: "So, would you show me some magic now?"

Merlin lifted his head, frowning: "You want to see…"

"Yes, why not?"

Merlin thought a bit, then held out his left hand and chanted: "_Fromum feohgiftum on fæder bearme. Fromum feohgiftum_."

A ball of blue light with silvery swirling strands appeared on his palm, lighting the room. It floated peacefully in front of them, and it seemed to represent everything that Merlin was: , purity, simplicity, brightness. All Merlin.

Arthur smiled, recognizing the orb from its other appearance in that cave all those years ago. Merlin smiled back, even if a little sheepishly and still cautious, but his grin grew wider upon seeing that Arthur was not afraid of him and that he had meant every word. Eventually he extinguished the glowing magic and waited for a reaction.

Arthur stood up and patted his shoulder: "Well, Merlin, it's good to see you finally awake. Now get better soon that you have a huge amount of work waiting for you…"

"Oh, come on!" protested indignantly the Warlock. "Give me a little of peace. I have just had a near-death experience. I think I deserve a bit of rest before getting back to wash your socks and polish your armor…"

Arthur, who was already heading for the door, turned his head and said, grinning with fake innocence: "Oh, didn't I tell you? George will take up your duties from now on…"

"You have fired me?!" Merlin cried out, feeling rather disappointed.

"Well yes, Merlin. I certainly couldn't keep the mighty Emrys, prophetic figure of the Druid's lore and Last Dragonlord, as my manservant. It wouldn't have been dignified. And I'm not sure the other magic-users would have agreed…"

"Which other magic-users?" Merlin was more and more confused.

"Seriously Merlin" said the King faking annoyance. "Of course those that arrived in Camelot after I lifted the ban on magic…"

"YOU DID WHAT!?" shouted Merlin, barely believing his ears. God god Arthur had really done that. "You lifted the ban?! When? How? Which are the new laws?" asked Merlin excited.

"Yes, Merlin" he said with a tone that resembled the one you could use to talk to a child. "I lifted it two days ago. As for the new laws, well… that is responsibility of the new Court Sorcerer…"

"We already have a Court Sorcerer?" asked the Warlock a bit disappointed.

"Of course. He hasn't been appointed officially yet, but we will need to take care of that as soon as possible…" he turned away and headed for the door. On the threshold he stopped a moment and glanced back at his friend, who was obviously rather sad, even if he was trying his best not to show it. He smiled mischievously: "The ceremony is tomorrow morning. Your new robes will be ready this afternoon. We can't have our new member of the court show up as a peasant, now, can we?" With that, he exited, leaving a stunned Warlock behind. A second after he came back and, from the doorstep, pointed his finger menacingly at Merlin. "And don't be late!"

Seeing the retreating back of his friend, the Court Sorcerer-to-be shook cheerfully his head and settled back on the cot, closing his eyes and drifting into sleep with a wide smile on his lips and a last word in his mind.

_Prat._

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_THE END_


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